Conundrum of surviving

A neglected “by-product” of beating the odds after two bi-lateral lung transplants, is how hard it is to plan for your life financially and career-wise. I couldn’t finish my Honours in Accounting, as I was ridiculously sick. After my I got new lungs, I didn’t feel like going back to university, I wanted to work and become independent. When I started working at age 24 after my first lung transplant, I THOUGHT that I was financially behind my peers who started working slightly earlier, but looking back that was a joke… I was perfectly on par really.

However fast forward 7 years and about 3 months, and I was medically boarded, due to my transplanted lungs being rejected by my body. And for about 3 years prior to being medically boarded, I knew that I was in rejection and that I should stay put. Survival mode kicks in, ambition mode turns off. To paint the picture more clearly, at age 28 I knew that my life was in danger yet again, and that I just needed to stay in the position I was in for as long as my lungs held out.

I coped in a fast-paced environment for another 3 years, until I made the call, together with my lung specialist, that I should stop working. I was very lucky to have group life insurance at that point, so I continued getting 75% of my salary – tax free. At the same time the evaluation for a second lung transplant started. About 1 year and 9 months after being medically boarded I received another set of lungs… a miracle indeed! 

Now being an analytical person by nature, I was curious as to how long these lungs were going to last. My lung specialist refuses to give educated guesses on these types of questions, which is absolutely fine, but I wanted a vague idea. Dr Google said that the 2 year survival rate for a redo lung transplant is 32%. Obviously this is an average, but I decided to make the most of it. (FYI – I’m still the only surviving redo lung transplant recipient in SA). We travelled to New York and Mauritius during the first year after my second transplant, I fixed some things in and around the property that my ex-husband and I owned at the time, upgraded the little Peugeot 107 that I was driving… I didn’t want to go back to a corporate work environment, so I resigned once I was fit to return to work. This time around I took a much more slow-paced accounting job. Set for life…. If you’re going to live another two years that is.

Fast forward to beginning of 2022, and I was heading towards 5 years post redo transplant. I decided to study again, as I was lacking mental stimulation. I ended up picking a post graduate diploma in Financial Planning. A few months later I started a new job, more in line with my studies and a much more formal work environment again. But also in a way starting from scratch. The irony is that in my own life, applying financial planning skills is almost impossible. I think of where I would have been now, if that rejection of my first transplant didn’t happen. If all the retirement savings from those first two jobs kept on growing, if that salary kept on growing the way it would have. If I didn’t use savings for travelling. I’m not even going to bother wondering where I would be financially if my medical aid and the little co-payments here and there didn’t take a massive chunk of my salary. Also – there was divorce – but that is not a scenario unique to me.

The point that I want to get across, is that trying to figure out how to navigate saving/ having a career/ having a work-life balance when you have had two organ transplants (and especially lung transplants, because they have the worst outcomes of all the organs) at ages 23 and 33, is HARD. You can’t assume you’re going to live to age 65 when your first transplant was at 23! And hey, YOUR life is super short right? Live every day to the fullest! BUT you might end up living for a really long time and have to be able to support yourself and have a meaningful career, so there is that too. Nobody prepares you or warns you about this interesting tightrope, and you can’t expect that from anyone either, as each patient’s situation is so unique. But this is definitely an interesting challenge! One that I'm grateful to be facing.

2 years 7 months

Sunday marked 2 years 7 months with the new lungs. It was also a year since Chris and I decided to get divorced. It feels like a whole lifetime has happened in that year. Grateful of course for another month of easy breathing. I've really been enjoying running outside again. I'm even in a better spot now than I was fitness wise than before lockdown started.

I managed to have a lung function test done 2 weeks ago. I was 2 months after my previous appointment was supposed to be. I could only do the lung function test, and only after I had done a Covid test. My lung function was down a bit - FEV1 of 89%, FVC 115% (and has been down tiny bits at the last 4 check ups, so that's really annoying). It's such small drops that it's barely considered a drop, but with my history of rejection of the previous lungs it makes me anxious. So I have to have it repeated again in another 2 weeks' time. In the meantime I'm just trying not to think about it.

I had to go to the dentist on Tuesday morning, An old filling fell out while I was eating over the weekend, so had to have that fixed. Work is back to normal capacity, and Andrew is back from PE. It's nice to have small things return to "normal".

I'm loving the new home. Most of the stuff I've ordered online have arrived, and it's feeling very cosy. Also loving being able to do some gardening again. It's a pity that we're going into winter, but hopefully everything I've planted so far will look amazing in 3 months' time.

Don't have much else to say. Preparing to do a virtual 10km Comrades run thing on the 14th of June, so that's something to work towards.

Solitude

So South Africa is in lock-down since yesterday, for three weeks. We currently have 1187 cases and 1 death. I'm very happy with the way government has handled things thus far... shutting the country down early. You're only allowed out of the house for food or medical reasons. No walking/running outside even. As per my previous post, I've been self-isolating quite a bit before yesterday anyway. My sister and parents have been great with bringing me some groceries earlier this week. I'm in lock-down on my own, as I'm too scared to share a house with my family members who have still been going to work and the shops. I'll just be stressing all the time. So maybe later on once I know they're healthy I might move over to one of their places.

I do however think that CF, 3-week hospitalisations, post transplant isolation and being on the waiting list for transplants twice has prepared me for this. I've spent a lot of time on my own before. Even if I was able to see visitors, I was basically alone all the time. So I'm pretty used to and enjoy my own company.

My first vivid experience of being on my own was when I was in hospital for the better part of 3 months when I was 6 years old with pneumonia/infections. After that I was lucky to do IV antibiotics at home, so my parents were always there. Waiting for both my lung transplants also involved a lot of time spent by myself. When I was in rejection with my first set of lungs, I also had a few stints in hospital for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, where every night was spent alone. I don't sleep well in hospital, so watching series in bed till late at night is what you do! So this lock-down is WAY better than all of those times. No needles, no feeling like shit... in fact feeling super healthy. No fighting for every breath. No disturbances throughout the night. No 4am bloods, just peace and quiet. Feeling lucky.

I do however need to limit my time on social media if I want to stay sane. Apart from anxiety about my health, the amount of stupidity I see on Facebook and Twitter works me up! It KILLS me to see how dumb people can be.... and selfish. Along with all the fake news. I've been unfriending people and purposefully avoiding Facebook today.

It's going to be tough for me not to be allowed to run outside. It's really been keeping my anxiety levels down this past while. I went running in the driveway today... (there's this challenge where you do 2km per day in your garden for every day of the lock-down, and then you would have done 42km), and it actually wasn't too bad. It was sprinting in one direction, walking back, and repeat! I also did a workout with my dumbells, resistance bands, foam-roller etc. I'm definitely going to be gaining weight, but I just don't want to lose muscle too! I've worked hard at being where I am strength-wise.

I'm really nervous about the impact this virus will have on SA... just like everyone I suppose. I also wonder when it will be safe to go back into society again. Just because lock-down is over in three weeks' time or whenever, doesn't mean it will be safe from catching COVID_19. And seeing as this virus attacks the respiratory system, I'm REALLY scared of getting it. Especially since a lot of articles suggest permanent lung damage. Just thinking about it makes me feel short of breath! This isolation does help though. Let's hope that "This too shall pass"...

COVID 19

I figured this is a good time to do a blog post again! The world feels a bit crazy right now and people are (hopefully) spending much more time at home so they might actually read this!

Along with the rest of the world, and maybe even more so, I'm rather freaking out right now. I'm worried about all the things that could go wrong in this country with this virus, and with my health in particular. Just FYI, I've had one of the "normal" Coronaviruses before, and it was just like a cold. This one is obviously very different and the articles stating that it can cause real lung damage, resulting in the loss of 20-30% lung function scares me the most. A lot of other things surrounding it scares me too, but to me this is the scariest.

My appointment with my lung Doc was also indefinitely cancelled. In other words there will be no more normal check-ups for the foreseeable future. Only in cases of emergency. So I won't be finding out anytime soon if the drop in lung function I had about 6 weeks ago when I had Rhinovirus has recovered. This, coupled with the fact that in 2013 when my chronic rejection with the previous lungs started, I felt absolutely fine, and it was a "normal check-up" that showed a big drop in lung function, is causing some REAL anxiety for me. The only thing helping for it is running. I tell myself that if I'm not getting WORSE at the running, then my lung function can't be TOO BAD.  I managed to cut another 2 minutes off my 5 km time trial results last Wednesday. I'm doing it again tomorrow and REALLY aiming for a sub 40 min run! Mentally I need that right now. Thank goodness there is only like 10 people at the time trials and they all run way faster than me! I have upcoming gynae and dermatologist appointments that I will also most likely cancel closer to the time.

I'm trying to self-isolate as much as possible. I've cancelled my gym membership (Parkruns have also been cancelled), I'm only working from home (thank goodness I'm not at my old corporate job anymore!!!! This would never have been possible and I would have been exposed to like 500 people daily). I've done quite a bit of shopping in preparation for this "lock-down"... and spent a crap-load of money on hand sanitiser, gloves, alcohol surface cleaner, alcohol wipes etc. I've also had my chronic meds for the next month delivered last week, so I'm all stocked up there too. My family members are also very cautious, and basically avoiding me if they think they might have been in contact with someone who was not 100% healthy. My boyfriend (yes... I have a boyfriend... more about that some other day) is also working from home since today, and has given his domestic worked paid leave. So I'm trying hard not to get sick!

Lastly, I'm SUPER glad I went to the UK in December... at the time it was rather tight to go financially, and I was a bit worried abut the weather, but in hindsight it was absolutely the right thing to do, because I don't know when I'll feel safe to travel internationally again! It just reminds you again to live each day like it's your last! You never know what might be waiting around the corner.

Complete heath update

Background - on 21 Jan 2013, on the eve of my 5 year lungaversary with the previous lungs, and my first check-up post the previous Nissen Funduplication, my lung function had dropped drastically, without explanation. It was the start of Chronic Rejection, that ultimately led my my second transplant, almost 5 years later.

Back to April 2019 ...  on Thursday I had my first lung check-up scheduled following the latest Nissen Funduplication... As a CF and transplant patient, many things can trigger a sort of PTSD reaction... Some CF patients actually get diagnosed with PTSD, and for the rest of us, like myself, certain things just trigger massive anxiety. Certain smells, the feeling of a nurse or Dr tapping my veins, flickering lights (those long tube lights, that have a slight buzz... long story)... Thursday's lung function test was one of these things. I was SO WORRIED that it would have dropped after the recent surgery. I had no reason to think that it would, but neither did I the last time. You start "testing" yourself every time you climb a set of stairs, or walk uphill. You start looking for the slightest sign of something being "off". You go to gym and push yourself with cardio to see if your lungs can keep up. Sometimes this helps, but it's a bit harder if you're physically recovering from surgery and two Achilles tears.

However I can breathe a sigh of relief.... Thursday went well... As soon as I'd done the lung function test I felt stress leave my body. My FEV1 was 91% and FVC 113%. Unchanged (slightly better than last time actually). I had gas pumped into me and chest aspirations on both side, plus surgery right beneath them lungies, but they stayed fine. I've also had to take my anti-rejection meds in liquid form (which somehow just feels a lot less accurate than taking pills), which has also added some stress. I'm SO HAPPY... I just want them to stay happy and safe. I want to tell them that things will get better from here, they will get more exercise again SOON!

What WASN'T fantastic, was my hemoglobin levels. They're supposed to be between 12-15... mine is 8. This is due to blood loss during surgery and my stupid liquid/soft food diet. I've been craving meat like a crazy starving person. I've not been prescribed Ferrimed twice a day, and bloods again in a month's time. It also explains why I've been feeling DEAD TIRED. Can't wait to start feeling better.  The other thing that needs to be watched, is my CMV viral load, as it was a bit elevated. So I'll repeat those bloods again in a month's time too, to keep an eye on it. Hopefully then I'll also be able to change back to Certican, and shed this layer of bodily hair that the Neoral has given me... I'm gross! Due to said low iron in my blood, we basically did nothing this long weekend. Saw the family twice and that was it. I slept, watched TV, worked on TELL stuff, and "ate".

In terms of the Nissen surgery, things are going OK. wounds look AMAZING, and pain completely gone. However my tummy is struggling. I'm either hungry or nauseatingly full. If I eat a few bites too many I feel sick. And Creon absorption seems to be random at best. Tummy has been upset a lot, and super confused, but I know this happens. Luckily food hasn't gotten "stuck" at all, and I haven't struggled with swallowing anything. It's just the volatility of my stomach that's getting to me. Also, not heartburn/reflux, so that's good. Check-up for that is 8 May, when the Dr will be doing a scope again to check the healing and final result. I just want to eat a burger and chips, or sushi, or a massive steak and salad, or a toasted sandwich... I want to eat until the hunger is gone and NOT feel like I need to vomit. From Wednesday I'm allowed "soft food"... aka mince meat and pasta. Hopefully that will also make me feel better.

So all in all, there are some frustrating things, but the most important thing, the lungs, are perfect.

The lungaversary party, the Achilles and the radio interview

On Saturday evening the 10th of Nov, my parents hosted us and a couple of friends for a 1 year lungaversary party! It would have been more fun and I would have felt less useless if I weren't on the crutches, but it was still great!

The following Tuesday I was on Jacaranda FM, a local radio station, to talk about CF and transplant. I was on the show for the whole hour, talking on and off... but they put the first bit on their website... if you'd like to have a listen!

I also had an Achilles check-up on Friday. I can now walk crutch-free! I'm wearing this sandal thing, with two heels on the inside, and it's allowing me to put weight on the foot. This "pointed toe" position doesn't put strain on the tendon. On the 14th of December my cast will come off, whoop whoop! Then I have to wear high heels for another 6 weeks and start with physio. I was able to return to bio last week, which was GREAT. I'm trying to strengthen my left thigh, as it's already lost quite a lot of muscle. It's just great to be doing some sort of workout again.

I also asked to do a lung function test while I was at the hospital on Friday, because I had been feeling a bit anxious. My new medication (cyclosporin) levels are STILL too low, and has been adjusted for the 3rd time in as many weeks now. Normally when a bout of anxiety hits me I fix it by doing cardio.... I always feel relaxed and comforted again after a short run or spinning class. Now I can't do that :-( So I did a lung function test and luckily all was good. Phew! By the time the cast comes off I should also be able to switch back to my normal anti-rejection regime, which is a fifth of the cyclosporin I take now, plus Everolimus (Certican). Looking forward to that! And to slowly increasing my physical activity. It's been amazing to be able to do some stuff around the house again for the last 2-3 days. Some freedom!

Catch up!

Wow I haven't blogged in a while! The past three weeks have been rather action packed with medical stuffs, family visiting from the UK, Love Life; Gift Life, exercising, seeing my nephew whenever I can...

Medical updates: First, very good news regarding my cervix... no hysterectomy needed!!! Two years ago my gynae was considering performing a hysterectomy due to previous procedures as a result of abnormal cells. Back then my lungs were too bad to perform the operation, so I've just been seeing her every 3 months to keep an eye on it. Thank goodness there hasn't been any issues since then... you don't need cervical cancer when waiting for new lungs! Early this month I went back to see her... with great lungs... expecting her to say it's a great time for surgery NOW. She said that she was hesitant to do it, as it's a big surgery, and for the last year and a half my pap smears have been normal.She said that we'd see what the results show this time and make a decision, after discussion with my lung Dr. Well it came back normal, plus "previous abnormalities were not seem"!!! That's brilliant news, and means I can go back onto Everolimus (Certican) in about two months' time. Certican is an anti-rejection drug, but also used for cancer treatment. I've been on it for about the last 4.5 years leading up to my second transplant. The only downside to it is that it prevents healing, which is not an issue if you're not having any big surgeries! It's also much better for the kidneys, so I am excited for changing back to it. In the meantime, my Advagraf levels are FINALLY where we want them to be, with 17mg Advagraf daily. It makes me super shaky, makes my blood sugar higher, and my kidneys hate it, but for now it's the best drug to be on. Below is my morning pills...

On 8 Feb it was 100 days since transplant. It's an important milestone! Yay!!! My lung function dropped a tiny bit in the last 3 weeks, but my Dr doesn't think it's significant and not worried about it. He sent me for a CT scan as well and it was perfect apparently. I'm having a routine biopsy again in about a week and a half's time as well as a Barium Swallow test to make sure there's no reflux. Hopefully the biopsy will also go well like the previous 2. I've been experiencing some anxiety these last 3 weeks as a result of this tiny drop in LF, and friends who have been experiencing rejection lately. Also the higher Tacrolimus levels (Advagraf) can make you anxious. I'm trying to be more relaxed about it all now, and just enjoying the breathing. Esp since worrying might actually CAUSE rejection! It's kind of hard at times being the only redo transplant patient in SA, as no one REALLY gets my health stresses. And decisions regarding my treatment and tests get changed often. Hopefully one day there will be another redo transplant patient and I would be able to be there for them, and be able to put their mind at ease.

My favourite aunt and uncle from England popped by for a visit on the way back from my cousin's wedding. It was so cool to see them again, and talk about our next visit to them! They have recently moved from just outside London towards the direction of Newcastle. That's where the 2019 World Transplant Games will be! Really hoping I'll be participating!

I've also loved every second with my nephew Adriaan... he is growing up so fast!!!! Love that little boy so much! Happiest baby ever! Such a proud aunt!

2017 wrap-up... becoming an aunt, a dry-run/fake transplant, and finally a transplant

Today is exactly a month since I was discharged from hospital, and just over 8 weeks since transplant. My lungs are doing great so far, and I believe that they will continue doing so. There are still some annoyances regarding medication levels and kidneys to sort out. Hemoglobin (basically iron levels) is FINALLY normal again. Yay for small victories. Definitely feeling a bit of anxiety as it's been 2 weeks since lung function and still a while to go before that next check-up. Hopefully this kind of anxiety will go away. It will also help when my friends are back from holiday and I am busier again to prevent me from thinking too much! And when the Jan biopsy is behind me. There will probably be a hysterectomy early in the year as well, as my gynae has wanted to do this before but my lungs were too weak for the surgery and it would have been too risky. Ugh. Just have to get it over with.

My transplant that went so well was a miracle for many reasons, but especially because I started losing hope of a donor towards the end. I got a call for lungs in the middle of the year as well... I haven't blogged about this before for various reasons. I was called at 23:30... and told to be at hosp by 2am. We called everyone and met my parents at the hospital, very much like when the transplant finally happened. I was taken to theatre at about 10:00 or so, super excited. About an hour or so later (I can't remember what time it was at all) I was woken up again. The lungs weren't good. They took out the central line and arterial line and sent me back to the ward. I was devastated. Obviously I didn't want lungs that my Drs weren't happy with, but I felt heart-broken that they weren't good enough. I was especially bummed about it in Aug when I was super sick and in hospital plus picked up a new bug... I kept thinking that I wouldn't be in that situation if that transplant had worked out. It did however make me feel like lungs would come "soon" though... although in the end months passed and this wasn't the case. So as the year started coming to an end, I was convinced that 2017 would not be my year.

I didn't blog much this year compared to previous years. In fact I basically did half as many posts as previous quiet years, mainly due to lack of things to blog about because my life was pretty boring. A post that was significant though is this one that I wrote about 6 weeks before the lungs came. That post basically sums up my year. I know my health could still have gone a lot worse before transplant, but I'm so glad it didn't. One of the reasons I had such a great recovery is because I wasn't too weak. Even though I was suffering. But the suffering could have been way worse...

Back to 27 Dec 2017 though... Something exciting that I did last week was to JOIN THE GYM AGAIN!!! I probably won't be able to go in Jan, when all the "new-years resolution" people are there, but at least I've been able to play some squash before the year was done! Chris and I went to play on Friday and it was great! My squash-stamina is obviously crap, but once I got into it, the technique started coming naturally again! I just took a look at all posts with the label "resolutions" and found this one regarding exercise that I wrote in July this year. How lucky am I to be able to get another chance and make this a reality? I will always look back at that post when I'm feeling lazy for exercise.

Christmas was nice, my gran is here. Chrislie and Pierre was down in PE, but they're back now. SO nice to see Adriaan again. That little boy and my new lungs were the highlights of 2017 by far. On Christmas Eve my thoughts were occupied with sadness and sympathy for my donor's family and Siobhan's family. My heart is breaking for both of those families at the moment.

Not much planned for the rest of 2017... exercising, spending time with family and chilling at home. Will be glad when 2018 starts and everyone is back. Thank you to EVERYONE who supported me this year... Chris, who has been a rock. My parents and sister who has been there for me my whole life and who WILL always be there for me no matter what. The friends who made the bad times better (and I am lucky to have quite a few of those!!). The LLGL girls, who truly understand what it's like waiting for a transplant and share my passion for organ donation awareness and get just as angry as I do when there is bad publicity or untrue facts get published. My awesome friends in the medical field, you know who you are - for making hospital times easier and believing in me. My lung Dr, Paul Williams.... who has endured 11 years of me giving him a hard time (sometimes) and somehow hasn't fired me as a patient yet, instead he has been there for replacing my lungs twice and have my best interests at heart. And obviously the rest of the army of Drs and other medical staff I've dealt with during the year. I wouldn't have been here without everyone's input. Hope I didn't forget anyone... if I did... I blame the meds.

New pill progress and RIP Emma kitty

Firstly, Friday was 9 years 8 months with the borrowed breathers. Go lungs go! Every month I wonder if this is the last month that I'm celebrating the lungaversary with these lungs. However they continue to carry me and I'm so grateful for that. 

Since starting the new blood pressure medication my heart rate has dropped tremendously. My Fitbit's strap broke, so I haven't worn it since Sunday or so, but in the first week of being on Concor my heart rate has dropped 20 beats per minute! And it has dropped even more since then. So that has made me feel a lot better. I'm still very out of breath when moving around but at least my heart feels less like it's busy exploding. And that's always a good thing. It's kind of scary what a tiny little pill can do... I have slightly more energy too I think, although I hope I didn't just jinx it by saying that. My last sputum sample that I did 2 weeks ago showed Pseudomonas again, but since my infection count was really low we're just carrying on with the antibiotic nebs.

My parents have had to put my old cat Emma down just after my last blog post... :-( I got Emma in April 1999. She was a very difficult cat, who bullied all the cats who came after her... so much so that for a period of 9 months we had to let her stay with the breeder again until the new kitten we got grew up. She loved my sis much more than she loved me, although if there was no one else for her to sit on she would sit with me. The below pic was taken in December last year. Ten years ago when I was waiting for my transplant I never thought that I would out-live Emma. She had become blind and her kidneys were failing unfortunately. She has also (ironically) never been the same after the other cat Lily (who she almost killed) died about 2 years ago. RIP Emma kitty.

Not much else has been happening. Time seems like a bit of a blur. I'm a little bit in shock by the fact that it's almost October. Adriaan has been adorable as per usual. The kitties keep us amused.

Oh almost forgot, I went to see Jessica at her photopheresis session yesterday in Pretoria. Also wanted to say hi to the "vein whisperer" Cecelia who made my 24 treatments so much more bearable. I'm their longest surviving photopheresis patient so far it seems (I think I was the second lung transplant patient who had this... not sure... but def one of the first here in SA.)! Very strange to think that! The treatment never improved my lung function or kept it stable immediately, but it did slow down the decline of my lung function significantly. So it was successful! Can't believe it's been more than 4 years since I started the treatment back in 2013. It's been a crazy few years...

TIRED

I have reached a new level of tired this last month. I'm EXHAUSTED. Today my Fitbit is registering an all time high for resting heart rate... 98 beats per minute. On 4.5 liters of O2. And that drains you. When I'm making coffee or having a conversation my heart rate is 120. When I'm walking at a normal-ish pace with my O2 on 5 litres it's around 150. Right now blogging is pushing it to 109 bpm (and I haven't moved for about 20 mins). I have also stopped drinking coffee now as it's not worth the elevated heart rate that follows.

I don't feel like doing stuff anymore because the thought of it makes me tired. So my enthusiasm level for almost anything is zero. When I drop something on the floor it's easier to pick it up with my toes than to bend down. There are a few little "energy saving" tricks like these. Sometimes I go two days without a bath or shower because I'd rather spend the energy on something else. I've only been washing my hair about once a week. Priorities. And lack of energy.

I saw my Dr yesterday. Had bloods done the previous day. sometimes a high heart rate indicates infection, but my CRP is 10. (less than 5 is normal, but 10 isn't bad). All bloods are fine. Sputum hasn't shown anything yet, even though the stuff I cough up is very gross. He scanned my heart and it's normal, just beating very fast. blood pressure also high. So he changed my blood pressure medication to a new one, which will hopefully reduce my heart rate as well. I've been on a blood pressure pill since transplant, as one of the side effects of one of the anti-rejection medications is high BP. So let's hope the new one helps... if not, I will try both together.

Being this tired however doesn't mean I can just chill on the couch the whole day. I need to use my muscles, I need to stay as active as possible. I drag myself through various chores and activities (read - buy food and put petrol in my car, or visit someone, or go to the pharmacy) and live for that moment where I can actually relax in front of the TV. My beautiful nephew Adriaan is medicine for the soul... he makes me forget all this crap and makes me smile. Keeping busy with Love Life; Gift Life keeps my mind busy and inspires me. Keeping "busy" in general makes the days go by quicker. And every day that's over is one day closer to a new beginning.

I know you shouldn't wish your life away but I'm tired of this chapter. I never thought it would carry on this long. I want the next chapter to start so badly I cannot even put it in words. I want to have energy and enthusiasm for life again. I don't want to feel this anxious anymore. I want to be able to breathe again.